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A Change of Pace

Posted By Smockity Frocks On December 17, 2008 @ 12:10 pm In Really Funny Stuff | 11 Comments

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*Edited to add “The Active Sleeper”

Today, for a change, I thought I would blog about…

Gingerbread houses.

WAIT! Don’t run away! I’m only kidding.

I have been thinking about the different personality types of my children. I’m no expert, but these are the types I have observed.

  1. The Crumb Spewer – This child, when eating chips, cookies, or crackers will not create a seal around said food with their lips when taking a bite. They open their lips into a wide smile, so as not to contaminate their lips with any crumbs, veritably SPEWING crumbs within a two foot radius. No attempt at suggesting they chew with their mouth closed will yield favorable results, for, as they point out, they aren’t technically chewing yet, only “biting”.
  2. The Close Walker – When crossing parking lots or navigating through a crowded church auditorium, this child will feel compelled to walk within a quarter inch of your side, while varying the speed and rhythm of their gait. Just for kicks, they will also stay slightly in front of you, altering your course, so by the time you should have reached your destination, say the entrance to Wal Mart, you are actually headed directly for the vacant lot to the east. My theory is that these children are vying for position as the “alpha wolf”, but I could be wrong.
  3. The Active Sleeper – This child is only truly at rest during naptime or bedtime when he or she is rolling over on your hair or giving you a sharp knee to the kidney or rubbing the back of your calf with his toes or touching your eyelashes or tracing your lips with his index finger, until you begin to wonder where it was that you put that roll of duct tape. It is advisable that you not turn your back on this child, as a finger in the eye is better than a knee to the back.
  4. The Over Explainer – This child gives very lengthy examples, usually unrelated to the lesson, always when you are behind schedule, and always ending an inaudible word. Any attempt at getting them to repeat ONLY the word, will result in them REPEATING THE ENTIRE STORY, ending with the same inaudible word. Repeat 5 times.
  • Example:

    Kid: “This one time… when I was playing outside… (long pause) uuummmmm… a bird, it was a red bird… a CARDINAL! It was a cardinal, and I could tell it was a male because male birds are always brighter than females… aaaaaannnd… that is so the females will be safe from predators… (long pause, eyes searching the ceiling, perhaps for the point of this rambling story) she, I mean HE because you call boys “he” not “she”! (lapses into a giggling fit) He flew to the swing set and I saw him SNERKLEFITZ!

    Mom: “You saw him what?”

    Kid: “This one time… when I was playing outside… (long pause) uuummmmm… a bird, it was a red bird… a CARDINAL! It was a cardinal, and I could tell it was a male because male birds are always brighter than females… aaaaaannnd…

    Mom: (Trying desperately not to allow the tremor in her voice to be audible.) “Wait. I understood everything except what you saw him do. Remember, we are trying to read this whole chapter of Acts before lunch and we have only read two verses. What did the bird do after he flew to the swing set?”

    Kid: “This one time… when I was playing outside… (long pause) uuummmmm… a bird, it was a red bird… a CARDINAL! It was a cardinal, and I could tell it was a male because male birds are always brighter than females… aaaaaannnd…

    At this point some mothers would want to throw the Bible up into the air and run screaming into the street plucking out their eyelashes.

    Not that I have ever wanted to. I’m just hypothesizing, here.

    So, what personality types do you have in your family?

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