"Mallory asked if my mom would let me go to Colorado with her family over Christmas, but I told her it didn't matter because I like our house too much at Christmas to go."
"She's a FREELING."
"What's a FREELING?"
"Someone who is free from doing schoolwork."
Certain grandmotherly figure (with pride): "I just ordered all the kids' Christmas gifts from Amazon!"
Me: "You used my Amazon link  so I'll get commission, right???"
Certain grandmotherly figure: "Oh... oops."
Me (groaning): "MOM!"
"I bet bald people never have to worry about getting ticks in their hair."