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4 Moms Handle Different Standards Between Husband and Wife

This week The 4 Moms of 35+ Kids are discussing how we handle things when husbands and wives have different standards.

My husband and I are both very opinionated and strong willed. These are awesome characteristics for us both to have when we are in agreement over an issue that seems to go against popular culture. Homeschooling is a good example of this. We both feel very strongly about it and even if the whole world were against us, we are just stubborn enough to keep doing it.

The problem comes when we are not in agreement over an issue. (See strong willed issue above.)

It has taken quite a bit of reading and learning and counseling, but we have both learned how to communicate our differing opinions in a non-confrontational way. Often we find that one of us feels much more strongly about an issue than the other, and the one with the least amount of interest willingly gives way to the other.

Sometimes we both feel very strongly in the opposite direction about an issue and somebody has to give in. In that case, the word of God trumps both of us.

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24

That isn’t to say I always like it or have the attitude I ought to. I’m still working on that. What?! We’ve only been married 27 years! I need a lot of practice!

One example of how this worked in our family is the story of how I came to quit my job and become a stay at home mom.

I felt very strongly that God was calling me home, but my husband felt just as strongly that money doesn’t grow on trees, and we had committed ourselves to pay for cars and a house. Those payments weren’t going to get made without my income, so I submitted to my husband and kept right on working.

I prayed every single day of that difficult year, driving away from my baby girl, to and from work. I prayed for God to provide a way for me to quit my job and stay at home and that my husband would come to see things the way I did.

God is good and His ways are perfect. He changed our circumstances and my husband’s heart, and I have been at home for 16 years. We have never been without food or clothing and have been richly blessed over and over again.

Now, be sure to see how the rest of my 4 Moms team handle differences of opinions with their husbands.

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Comments

  1. Kelly Ohler says:

    Funny you would start the verse with Ephesians 5:22 rather than the verse prior which is for husbands and wives to submit to each other.

  2. My husband and I haven’t had much conflict or differing opinions in our 2-year marriage, but things are pretty simple in our lives right now. We only have 1 child (almost 5 months old!), my husband is pretty laid back and we got married later-in-life (early 30s), so alot of stuff was already settled.

    We like to use the 1-10 scale when making decisions. He, too, has final say, but when I say “I’m like a 7 for structuring our finances this way”, it means I’m pretty passionate about that decision. But if I’m just a 1 on the scale from 1-10, then it means that I don’t really care much. It’s not like the higher number “wins”, but it helps us to know how deeply the other cares about the topic at hand and it helps him make a decision.

    To Kelly above: Ephesians 5:21 isn’t talking to husbands and wives, but to people in general. Paul goes on to tell us 3 groups of people who specifically should submit to one another: wives to husbands, children to parents, slaves to masters. Ephesians 5:21 doesn’t mean “everyone submit to everyone” otherwise, I’d have to submit to the mailman, who I’m sure is a nice person, but whom I don’t know!

  3. Kelly Ohler says:

    Yes, Jayme, 5:21 is under the imposed heading of “rules” for marriage.
    First of all, if you want to believe a husband (and not all men, as many Christians think women should be submissive to all men, which you rightly refute) ould be the decision maker in all things, let us take a look at leadership in general. A good leader NEVER has “final say,” on all decisions. A good leader knows others need to make decisions on many things. Businesses that micromanage are instantly doomed. And so is a healthy marriage.
    Secondly, 1 Peter 2 and 3 lay out exactly what submission means–not to utter threats and to not talk back when insulted. 1 Peter 1:3—IN THE SAME WAY, wives submit to your husbands. Scripture couldn’t be more clear. This acquiesence to believe submission means to bend your will to your husband’s and for him to have final say on every little thing in a marriage is sickening and NOT what the Bible says.
    Thirdly, for man to rule over woman is the Punishment Eve was given when she sinned. Once Jesus shed his blood for us, we must live as restored and victorious over sin—with full equality.
    Amd lastly, Proverbs 31 is apparently not read by any Christian. The wife of noble character works, makes her own decisions on what to do with her property, and is naswerable to no one for her decisions. Please start living the victorious lif ein Jesus Christ that all of us were meant to have and stop perpetuating un-Biblical lies in the name of Right-Wings distortions. Control is NOT love. Freedom is.

  4. Kelly Ohler says:

    Correction 1 Peter 3:1 In the same way…..

    • Smockity Frocks says:

      Kelly, Kelly, Kelly…

      “A good leader NEVER has “final say,” on all decisions.” ??? Okaaaaayyyy… I’ll just have to strongly disagree on this one and point to the many good leaders in the history of the world.

      Now… “Proverbs 31 is apparently not read by any Christian.” Wow. You know all Christians??? And how do you know the Proverbs wife is “answerable to no one”? You are making a whole lot of assumptions here.

      Lastly, you might want to read 1 Peter 2 to see what “In the SAME way” refers to. Same as what?

  5. Kelly Ohler says:

    In the same way—–Secondly, 1 Peter 2 and 3 lay out exactly what submission means–not to utter threats and to not talk back when insulted—In the same way wives are to submit to their husbands: 3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
    Please read more carefully.
    But what is your point about the history of many good leaders? ALL the world’s leaders leave decision making of all sorts to others. Give me an example of a president, a dictator, even, a business CEO who is involved in the purchasing of toilet paper for the household, for the purchase of paperclips or even larger properties?
    If you were a real estate agent, working at say, Coldwell Banker, would you think it appropriate for the “boss” to go on every house showing each and every agent has? No of course not.
    If you were a doctor, would you think it appropriate for the hospital to diagnose and every ailment of your patient? And have to clear with the board what medicine you prescribe? Of course not.
    No business is run with the “head” or owner making the final decisons about everything. Nor should households. It’s a ridiculous and inefficient way to run anything.

  6. Kelly Ohler says:

    1 Peter 2:18 Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. 19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

    22 “He committed no sin,
    and no deceit was found in his mouth.”[e]

    23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

    1 Peter 3

    New International Version (NIV)

    3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives

  7. Kelly Ohler says:

    No assumptions here. Just Scriptural truth:
    Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

    10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
    11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
    12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
    13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
    14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
    15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
    16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of HER EARNINGS she plants a vineyard.
    17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
    18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
    19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
    20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
    21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
    22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
    23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
    24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
    25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
    26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
    27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
    28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
    29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
    30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
    31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

  8. Kelly Ohler says:

    The wife of Noble character considers a field and buys it, verse 16. She selects wool and flax, verse 13 she sees that HER trading is profitable. The wife of Nobel Character MAKES All those decisions herself—what she selects, what she buys, she oversees her hosuehold. If the proper wife was to go to her husband to make every decison, don’t you think that significant detail would be brought forth from Scripture–that a wife of noble character goes to her husband to decide all things?

    Look, I know it feels safe to have someone else make decisions and take responsibility for everything. But that is a personal choice. Don’t make it out to be God’s Law when it clearly is not. Like I stated before, Please live the victorious life over sin that we were given when Jesus shed His blood on the cross. THAT is what God expects of us.

    • Smockity Frocks says:

      You are assuming I do not make decisions. I make many decisions daily. I have a successful business. I buy and sell regularly. Wives being submissive to their husbands does not mean they are unable to make their own decisions.

      I’m curious. What you do with the verses I quoted in my post? What do they mean?

  9. Kelly Ohler says:

    I don’t do very much with them at all, Connie. I am not a young mother, and have 3 grandchildren already. My husband is old, retired, and is very ill. He is constantly in and out of the hospital and the doctors want him to have another heart bypass. He is refusing as he doesn’t think he can survive another one. It would be his third. His sugar levels are always elevated and he can barely breathe much of the time. There are no “decisions” to be had on work or family life or school or anything. It is now simply “what needs to be done” that is dealth with.

    What do the verses mean? All of them in total mean very much to me, that is why it is so upsetting when so many people take them out of context to make the oppression of women seem Biblical. Christianity is freeing, it is not oppressive. It is for freedom Christ has set us free Galatians 5:1.

    To work together to make a life is not about “submission.” When you study Scripture in its historical context, and realize that manytimes Paul specifically states “I say, and not the Lord,” then you can easily separate Paul’s biases from Jesus’ commands, and the parallel commands of God that pair up with them.

    Worship, on the other hand, comes from a root that means to bow down and lick the hand of. I submit to God and no one else.

    Christianity, remember, was a threat to the government at the time, and to the church. Jesus elevated the position of women, and the poor. We were commanded to live together, share possessions, meals, work, life. No one was to have a position above that of another as we are all one in Jesus Christ. There is no male, no female, no rich no poor, no Jew nor Gentile, we are all on equal footing in God’s eyes. It is the way of the World to create false hierachies, elevating one over another. Indeed, much of 1 Corinthians states the different ways each part of something is no better than another part. We are not to walk in the ways of the world.

    We also have a historical disconnect. Late 19th-early 20th century, Christians were fighting all over the world for the equality of women. Indeed, it was a Quaker who fought for and won the women’s right to vote in America.

    Somewhere along the line, though, this freedom (as freedom described in 1 Corinthians 10, that EVERYTHING is permissable for me, but not everything is beneficial—and yes that means exactly that—we have the freedom to do anything) that comes from God, unhindered by man’s rules, is suddenly not available to women. Old white American men have twisted Christianity to mean Sharia law for women. What all that is about is unfathomable, but Christians have chosen to believe this nonsense and have fallen prey to these falsehoods masquerading as angels and prophets of light.

    What you are being told, Connie, is false. Read the Scripture for yourself. I have copied/pasted the verses so you don’t have to do any research at all. Read and pray about it. God’s words speak for themselves.

    • Smockity Frocks says:

      Kelly,
      I’m sorry about your husband’s health.

      It is very evident that there is a vast difference in the way we both view scriptures. I do read the scriptures daily and have read them in their entirety. I don’t need you to summarize them or cut and paste so I “don’t have to do any research at all”, and I am not “being told” anything about submission, except by you.

      I believe “ALL SCRIPTURE is God breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

      Finally, “I submit to God and no one else,” certainly isn’t the picture we have of Jesus throughout the gospels. In fact this is pretty well the exact opposite of what he told his followers. I’m eternally grateful Jesus didn’t take that attitude when it came to dying on the cross for my sins.

      I believe we have reached the end of fruitful discussion, as you seem to be intent on assuming many things about me that are untrue.

  10. Did you and your husband always agree on letting God plan the size of your family?

    That can become a big issue when one person feels one way and the other feels differently.

    Thanks for sharing your post, as always I love to read what you have to say.

  11. Wow, missed this yesterday! Funny thing is that just wrote a post on submission myself today. Submission is not the oppression of women! Submission is freedom and is such a blessing! I agree wholeheartedly with you Connie. I don’t know if you remember me or not, I set next to you at the Homeschool Winter Moms Summitt. I had the baby boy with me. I have been following you ever since. I love that you don’t back down from God’s truth. Blessings!

  12. I also agree with you! I never understood before I was married but now I understand that out of therespect I have for my husband I will not work (I also have two kids 2 and 9 mo.!). Every day I see my husband struggle and voice his concerns on providing for the family and he thinks about it allthe time. God gave him the need to provide for us! But I dont feel that need. Generally when we have conversations he talks to me about jobs and I talk to him about future homeschooling, the house, food etc. We have different concerns, and thats why marriage works!! However I do have a question. My husband is working part time at the moment, he spends alot of his time searching for other part time jobs. As much as I know this is important I tend to come and “bombard” him with things I know need to be done on the house that I cant do (things involving ladders and saws etc :)) but no matter how hard I try I always come off in a bad way! I keep thinking about that verse with the nagging wife and I dont want to be that way!! Any tips?

  13. Wow it is interesting to read in the comments how a liberal sees and understands the work “submit” as opposed to a conservative. I am so saddened when I realize that to some “submit” reads “doormat”.
    This is an important reason why you should pick your husband carefully, “submit” DOES NOT mean “doormat”. I love how you posted about being strong willed, strong willed describes me and all 3 of my girls, as I am sure you do I go about my day making all kinds of decisions, occasionally my husband will express an opinion on something or I’ll ask for direction help or just opinion and depending on how we both feel on it we come to an understanding, sometimes its painless and sometimes its painful. Neither of us is perfect, that is why we need Jesus’ grace!
    Our church is actually doing a in depth study on where we want our church to go into the future, ie.. where our resources are going to be poured. As part of that we are working thru why we do what we do, what is tradition why they where established, and if they are currently relevant, and what is straight from Bible verse, what is black and white, what is gray, etc. Last week we started looking at the role of women. Pray for us please!

  14. I hope I worded my comment right. Just to be clear, I think we agree, I just think that previous poster has some scary misconceptions about submitting, that is the only reason I can think of for her long posts as if trying to convince you to not submit to your husband.

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