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And Then I Found a Ring in My Baby’s Butt Crack

Our 8th child, who we affectionately refer to as “the baby,” is what many would call “a character.”

Or “a pistol”

“A corker”

“A handful”

“A stinker”

We always know where she’s been because we see the signs.

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Like this.

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And this.

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Sometimes it’s written all over her face.

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Or we walk into the laundry room and find her standing in the washer trying to shove a popsicle stick down the detergent hole.

You know. Just regular “she’s a handful” type stuff.

So, one night around midnight I wasn’t too awfully surprised when my oldest daughter knocked on my bedroom door to wake me and said, “You have got to follow me into the living room! You’ll never believe who’s in there!”

She said she came downstairs to get a drink of water and she heard some rustling around on the recliner in the living room. She was a little concerned at what could be making the noise at such an hour when the whole house was asleep, so she nervously shined her cell phone light in that direction.

That’s when she saw her and came to get me.

When I rounded the corner, I saw Li’l Miss 2yo Handful sitting on the recliner, rummaging through my purse.

At midnight.

As naked as the day she was born.

My first response was, “WHAT THE HECK? HOW..? WHY???”

I stood with my hands on my hips and said in a disapproving tone, “WHAT are you doing?!”

She knew she had been caught doing something(S!) she shouldn’t be doing so she made a quick excuse. “I needed gum…” she stammered out.

My oldest daughter, who had found her, was stifling giggles by now, and I began listing all the reasons she was in trouble.

1) You do not get out of bed and wander around the house.

2) At midnight.

3) To dig in Mama’s purse.

4) Butt naked.

I told her she was going to get a spanking and I picked her up, turned her around, and bent her over to give her a couple of swats with my hand.

That’s when a ring popped right out of her crack.

You know the costume jewelry kind that you find in the toy aisle in a kit with a crown and a wand?

Like candy from a Pez dispenser.

At this point, my 18yo and I looked at each other and we both lost it. I couldn’t go through with the swats. I couldn’t even breathe.

Apparently the ring was in the chair when she sat down and it got wedged in tight until the moment of truth. Until she became the goose that laid the golden egg. Or the fish that produced a gold coin to pay the taxes.

She was saved by the ring.

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Comments

  1. Oh…my…goodness…..can’t…..breathe……tears streaming………need oxygen!

  2. You really should have your own show. Wow!!

  3. I’ve always been thankful my son was never one to get into things. This is too funny, though. I guess she keeps you on your toes!!

  4. …My Precious….

    One ring to rule them all…. and it came from the crack!!

    • Jacqueie Sotelo says:

      I could totally see my 4 year old doing all of those! She has done the face writing; as well as drawing on her arms and legs and any other exposed body surface!

      I will be smiling through the day now and no doubt erupting in giggles!

      Thank you for lightening up my day!

  5. LOVE THIS STORY!

  6. oh to funny. its always when you think they need a lesson learned the most when the funniest things happen lol.

  7. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s about all I can do right this second. I scared my dog I laughed so hard. My people outside the door OUTSIDE could hear me laughing. I have one of those kiddos too. Hahahahahahahahaha

  8. Oh. my. word!!! I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard. We just took the crib side down on our baby’s crib. He’s 3 though. ;-) I put it off, just for reasons like this. ((sigh)) He frightens me some days.

  9. Bwaaahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :’D

  10. Oh my Connie that is awesome!

  11. You have such a great sense of humor, thank god!

  12. Jennifer (MrsHLBjr) says:

    Lord(ess) of the Ring.

  13. I’m crying! That is hilarious! I have a three year old who gets into things in the middle of the night, but so far no jewelry from his butt crack. Kids are the best!

  14. Finny

  15. You always have something exciting to share… makes my life seem boring. My kids and I were laughing reading this! And then we started reminiscing about all our favorite Smockity posts. I think your “how to change a baby’s diaper” and “how to make gravy” videos were the favorites.

  16. Mary Beth Elderton says:

    Hahahaha! This is hilarious! I had a child just like this…smh.

  17. This is exactly why my 3 year old is not allowed out of my sight EVER. For his own safety and for the safety of everything we own he is my little shadow that goes everywhere with me until he learns better manners and a little bit of common sense.

  18. Oh my goodness! I woke up to this and it is more of a pick me up then the coffee I am drinking! SO funny, I am passing it on to all on facebook!

  19. ROTFL! My “baby” was the same way! We resorted to locks on BOTH sides of every door except hers. With hers we were afraid she would figure it out and lock us out. She is 14 now and still very active and still needs to keep busy to keep out of trouble. She is still a corker, a hand full and walks to the beat of her own drum. These are the kids that keep us smiling! So worth it!

  20. michelle wright says:

    i know exactly how you feel honey i have a thre yr old thats the same way always into everything….if she gets lost an you cant find her you mind as well get out hte magic earaser cause most likely you are gonna need it(what did we do before magic earasers)cause she has for sure made a mess of herself or something or both… so yeah i feel your pain but we wouldnt have them any other way huh

  21. Amy Raymond says:

    We have a few like that, too. The 3rd child, oldest boy, once scribbled all over the top of his head with one of those really huge stinky permanent markers… and his tattoo remained for months on his scalp, clearly visible beneath his white-blonde hair.

  22. Jennifer says:

    HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laugh, lol! :)

  23. Oh. My. Word. I needed this laugh today – I LOVE it! Thanks for sharing, Connie!!

  24. Oh My Goodness!!!!! Trying to hold in the laughter! But it’s not working very well!!!!! That little one must be a handful!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, that brightened up my day!!! Bwahahahahahahaha!

  25. Jacqueline says:

    Oh, this is absolutely hilarious!!!

  26. I will never look at candy in a Pez dispenser the same way again. :)

  27. I am 71 and still remember my third child making a cake one morning when she was still asleep, the older ones had left for school and I went back to bed for a while till she woke up. She slipped up out of bed and when I discovered her, she looked up at me innocently and said, “Me making cake Mommy.” She had all my cannisters down off the cabinet, emptied on the carpet of the dining room side and the ingredients were, flour, sugar, Crisco, coffee and then she had peed in it. Back then we had cloth diapers and at night I put old receiving blankets on them to hold through the night. They always woke up wet in the mornings. She was 2 at the time and is 46 now, but it seems like only yesterday.

  28. I fail to see the humor. You were going to spank a child for simply being a child and are apparently comfortable enough with this practice to admit spanking a child’s naked butt and making jokes about it. I find that disturbing.

    • Too bad you are the only one not laughing, the rest of us are laughing so hard, no one else could reply to you.

    • JB Devereaux says:

      Get a freakin’ life! That you fail to see any humor in this story tells me you are a sad person. Go away any rain on someone else.

    • I also don’t find this funny at all. The things kids do are necessary for their development. Their curiosity is a learning mechanism and making them fear the response for exhibiting it will only hold them back. I don’t see any humor in this any more than I would if something funny popped into a mans head just before he struck his wife.

      • It’s true, Angela. It’s hard telling what creative learning thing was going on inside her head and yet she got punished for it. It’s sad what we do to our children. I didn’t see the part in the story where it was determined that the child purposefully and knowingly disobeyed and “knew” she was being naughty? Even criminals get a trial and she was just gonna be whacked when Mom didn’t even know “why” she had been doing this hilarious thing…sad…

  29. naked, rumaging through mom’s purse at midnight. that is hilrarious. she sure is exciting!

  30. Marsha Haynes says:

    Love your family stories. They are ALL adorable, well rounded & happy children loved by both of their parents very much. Your story skills are amazing and you should think about writing children’s books! You have great examples.

  31. Kimberly says:

    Oh my goodness, I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard!!! Our 4th, who is also 2yo., is our little busy boy. Nothing has happened like that though. Stinkin hilarious! I agree with the last comment, you can tell a story like no other. Thank you for the great laugh!

  32. Thanks for the most entertaining story I’ve read in quite awhile!

  33. What is it about last children? I only have four, but my youngest, who is two, is the same way! She has covered her hair with toothpaste, bitten my lipstick…after coloring all over herself with it, and she almost always has some marker on her somewhere. I tell people that, if you’re bored around Mary, you’d better go looking for her because she’s into something.

  34. I needed this today. My handful just finished cleaning up pasta strewn about the dining room, and I’m taking a break from cleaning his sharpie “art” off the fridge, oven, and kitchen counter…again. And we rent.

    As my mother tells me, it’s amazing any of us survive to adulthood.

    ;)

  35. Kids are one surprise after another and funny how the surprises can come from everywhere, eh? :)

    I do wonder though…what treasure would have likely fallen from her lips later as she explained whatever hilarious reason was for her very normal 2 y/o developmentally appropriate antics… had Mom had a different attitude.

    The spanking mindset robs parents of moments way more blog-worthy than getting a surprise from an innocent child’s naked rear about to be purposely hit for being 2…

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